Publisher’s Note: I have the good fortune to know Blythe Miller. She has given courageously and generously of herself in hopes of preventing more tragic losses to suicide. For anyone who might think that loved ones “get over” a suicide, her story is a touching counterpoint. Thank you Blythe…I am humbled by your courage.
I lost my daughter to suicide on 10/20/10. I share our story to help others.
The last 2 years on 10/20 I find a place where I can clear my mind, find peace, and I write. These are my thoughts:
Year 1- Sitting her by the ocean…It’s almost been a year to the minute since I came home to find my life had changed forever:( Some people think life changing things happen everyday (a new job, a new baby, a marriage) but those are things that you do and then right after you say to yourself “How did I ever live my life without this before?” They make your life complete. Tragedy happens everyday…to normal, ordinary, good people (just like me). When your life is good (not perfect just good), you never think a tragedy will happen to you. It’s always someone else.
People ask me everyday how I am? Well here’s the answer…MY LIFE SUCKS!!! Before you all say Don’t say that, or You’re strong, or You will be O.K. let me explain myself. I know, I will be O.K. (there’s no other option). That ‘s not the point. I’m a healthy 36 year old who gets up everyday and goes to work. I’m still a mom and I do mom things for my son. The point is I have lost a piece of me that I will never get back! The person I once was is no more. Sure I will still laugh and have good times but nothing will ever be the same.
They say you find a new normal, well let me tell you there is nothing normal about losing your teenager to suicide. It is a mother’s job to protect their children, and now I have to put my faith in GOD that he’s watching over her and loving her. I’m trying to provide my son the most normal life I can so he doesn’t have to lose anything more than he already has. He is my strength and the reason I get out of bed each morning:) I look completely healthy on the outside, but on the inside I’m on life support. I can’t believe this is my life, and that I will never see or hear my baby girl again. (at least in this life)
NO LICENSE, NO PROM, NO GRADATION, NO COLLEGE, NO FUTURE, NO HOUSE, NO MARRIAGE, NO CHILDREN, NO MORE OF HER HUMOR, HER LAUGH, HER SMILE, HER GRUMPINESS, HER ART, HER EVERYTHING. NO MORE!!!
I still haven’t fully wrapped my mind around what has happened. Some days I still call her to ask her to set the DVR or start dinner, only to be completely hit by reality all over again.
I hope no one else ever has to experience this pain in their lives and for those of you who share this pain remember you are not alone. We will continue to help each other through this nightmare we call our lives. My daughter means the world to me and almost half my life I had her in it. I don’t know how to live without her. All I can do is continue to do what I’ve been doing, taking life one second at a time.
Year 2- Sitting here today surrounded by people that I love, sitting on a beach, clearing my mind, and finding a little peace. This time two years ago my daughter passed away. My life at that moment changed forever. Unless you have lost a child you will never understand the pain. It’s not even something that can be explained. I do know that I am sad. Not just today, but always. You will see me function in life, even smile, and laugh but the sadness is always there. I have realized that being sad and happy can co-exist. I miss the old me and my old life that will never be again.
People tell me that I will be o.k. Those people have never lost their children. This year was different from the first. It’s when the numbness goes away and the reality of what has happened sinks in. Time does not heal this. My daughter should be a senior this year. I wonder how her brother and her would be now that they are older. There are so many things that we were all cheated from. She was so young and acted on one thought and no one can fix this. There is no rewind or second chances. No do overs. I still can’t imagine my life without her in it. To so many, two years is so long, but to me it’s like yesterday. So I am sad. That is me. What kind of mother would I be if I wasn’t.