Doubt

Sometimes your answers to life aren’t as well hidden you might expect them to be. Indeed, these are the ones that you follow with your actions. That can be troubling to those who might expect something to be conjured where it’s lacking, or hope a shred of it there.

In 2010, I managed to meet somebody who changed who I would become as a person and who I was during the time radically from who I was before. I never met her before, and suffice it to say I managed to get to know her through talking about similar interests. During that time I was really into things technology related and it struck me as crazy to meet someone who had very similar interests in it. Well, a girl that does. So as I continued speaking with her, learning about her, and overall becoming a friend, it only seemed strange to try and hide what I was really keeping down inside me. I had an emotional connection to her, and really wouldn’t have minded going out of my way to help her with any hardship. Eventually this spilled out of me, and the reaction I got was of a similar interest. This was strange to me, as an upcoming sophomore in high school who didn’t think he would even come close to anyone of to the opposite gender.

There were many memorable events that led up to actually becoming romantically intimate, all of them now seem far off and obscure as if I’ve never actually had the chance to experience them. 8 months together, in what seemed to me as just becoming dumbstruck with love, our relationship then ended. This wasn’t a messy, anger filled one. This wasn’t out of spite or due to abuse; there was none of that there. The love just died down on her part. Was there fights? Yes, as any relationship would have them, but certainly nothing over the top. I remember bits of our conversation that, with the suggestion of just being friends. One of these bits, overflowing with what was a depressing irony, in retrospect, “The good thing is at least we’re not like those people who break up and never talk again.”

Was it true we tried to make a friendship work? Yes, and during the time there was points where it seemed as though it might. Except this closing of intimacy and romantic bonds wasn’t something I actually wished. After our conversation, although I was offered a ride home if need be, I insisted on walking. Perhaps best described as just wanting to walk and become lost and to be alone and continue to do so as you now are. That’s exactly how I felt.

I just didn’t understand though, and it never made sense to me. How we went from the highest of relations to absolutely nothing. How even after attempting to keep something there, I insisted on not letting go. It was obvious my feelings were still there, and it hindered the friendship in works. At the end of it all, my constant apologies, my destroyed sense of worth and trying to get her back somehow, worked against me. What I was trying to fix, only set me apart further until it was all empty. It was like it never happened; it really did feel like a dream.

To this day it still does, and despite only recently getting over it all after over a year, it doesn’t surprise me as to why it didn’t take so long. To me: “Love is an emotion of a strong sympathy and care towards another human being. It’s when no matter what the circumstance you still care for that person and want them to be happy above yourself. Although it’s still a mystery to most people and shut down by the arrogance of others, it’s something that you know you experience when you feel it and something that through only your own heart guided feelings can one follow a path that maybe you can be that source of happiness or to have it be returned.”

That was written a few months after a breakup in a journal which was difficult to recall from memory. Indeed, even that seems like something from the clouds. It’s still the way I view love, and despite being told that it didn’t sound realistic to multiple people- I wouldn’t have expected much without being a bit of an idealist now or even meeting her. Growing as a person and gaining understanding is what made me more stable and accepting of these events, and if it wasn’t for tragedy, however, I wouldn’t have any of my friends I hold dear now. I figured maybe it isn’t so bad to be broken.

DL

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